« It's a Girl | Main | Locomotive Motif »

January 25, 2006

Life Through a Teacher's Eyes

Sometimes, I think calling the parents of all my good kids and telling them what the bad kids are getting away with would have more of an effect than the reverse: calling an already resigned parent about his thug of a son.

I bet those good-kid parents would like to know how I reached such a point of desperation with one student that I invoked the Texas Education Code to refuse his return to my class. Permanently. Just so I could teach their children without his agitated, confrontational, nonsensical self wasting my time every day sending him to the principal.

I bet they'd really be interested to know that he returned, today, as if nothing happened. When I told him pointedly to leave my room, he became agitated, assumed an aggressive stance, called me the "n" word--while being restrained by fellow students--and speculated that he'd catch me on my bike on the way home. Sounds threatening, right? Well, after discussion with his principal, the school's only going to pursue the racial epithet he used, not his obvious threat.

Seems that his words, taken literally, were not threatening and would not withstand an appeal. The context and tone mean nothing, only the literal meaning: that he'd "catch me" on my way home. Wow.

So, in celebration of the lack of backbone, let me offer some interesting, yet creatively figurative, threats no self-respecting school would ever pursue as a threat:

"I'm going to bitchslap your coconut into next week."
"I shall perforate thine gutstock with mine cutlery."
"Split asunder will be your nosebridge."
"Let me offer to expand on your missing teeth motif."
"I say ol' boy, hold this bloody grenade while I reconnoiter for the pin."
"Yo G, get up on outta here before I hafta get krunk on you."

You get the picture. Feel free to add more as you're pondering the state of education in America.

Posted by tat at January 25, 2006 05:12 PM

Here one:

Good Sir, I will smoke you like the 500 grams of hemp that I currently possess in my locker. Which, I might add, I plan to distribute to my classmates for monetary reward.

Don't Get Dead.


Posted by: Busta at January 27, 2006 08:03 AM

Or perhaps the old stand-by:

I am going to separate your cranium from your torso without using any edged instruments, and proceed to copulate with the bloody orifice.

Posted by: jason alam at January 27, 2006 11:44 AM