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December 05, 2003

George Bush Resume

president-bush_icon.jpgPast work experience:

I ran for Congress and lost.
I produced a Hollywood slasher B movie.
I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas; company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money. Biggest move: Traded Sammy Sosa to the Chicago Cubs.
With my father's help, the name and a heap of cash from Texas oil and other industrial titans, was elected Governor of Texas.

Accomplishments as Governor of Texas:

I changed pollution laws for oil and power companies and made Texas the most polluted state in the nation.
I replaced Los Angeles with Houston as the most smog-ridden city in America. I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas government in a swamp of billions of dollars of borrowed money.
I set a record for most executions by any governor in American history.
I became president after losing the popular vote by over 500,000 votes, with
the help of Republican appointments to the Supreme Court.

Accomplishments as president:

I attacked and took over two countries.
I spent the country's surplus and bankrupted the treasury.
I shattered the record for biggest annual deficit in history.
I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
I set an all-time record for the biggest stock market drop in its history.
I am the first president n decades to execute a federal prisoner.
I am the first president in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
In my first year in office I set the all-time record for the most vacation days taken by any president.
After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, I presided over the
worst security failure in U.S. history.
I set the record for most campaign fundraising trips of any president in US history.
In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their jobs.
I cut unemployment benefits for more out of work Americans than any president - ever.
I set the all-time record for the most mortgage foreclosures in a 12-month period.
I set the record for the lowest number of press conferences of any president
since the invention of television.
I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption was revealed.
I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history and refused to use the national reserves as past presidents have done.
I cut healthcare benefits for war veterans.
I set the all-time record for the most people worldwide to simultaneously take to
the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the record for protest
against any person in the history of mankind.
I dissolved more international treaties than any president in U.S. history.
My presidency is the most secretive and unaccountable of any in U.S. history.
Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history.
(The "poorest" multimillionaire, Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her).
I presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud of any market in any country in the history of the world.
I created the largest government bureaucracy in the history of the United States and set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any president in U.S. history, while at the same time proposing tax cuts.
I'm the first president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the elections monitoring board.
I withdrew from the World Court of Law.
I hold the record for most corporate campaign donations.
My biggest lifetime campaign contributor, one of my best friends, presided over
one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation).
I am the first president in U.S. history to unilaterally attack a sovereign nation against the will of the United Nations and the world community.
I am the first U.S. president to have a majority of the people of Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and stability.
I set all-time records for the number of administration appointees who violated
U.S. law by not selling huge investments in corporations bidding for government contracts. *Top of the class: VP Dick Cheney and his Halliburton Corp. - awarded, with no bid, the single largest of the multi-billion dollar contracts for the
rebuilding of Iraq (paid for out of the U.S. treasury).
I failed to get Osama Bin Laden "dead or alive".
I failed to capture the anthrax killer who tried to murder the leaders of our country at the United States Capitol building.
In a little over two years, I created the most divided country in decades.
I entered office with the strongest economy in U.S. history and in less than two years every economic category plunged.

Records and References:

I have at least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (Texas driving
record has been erased and is not available).
I was AWOL from National Guard.
Records from my tenure as governor of Texas are in my father's library, unavailable for public view.
All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or bankrupt companies are sealed and unavailable for public view.
All minutes of meetings for any public corporation I served on the board are sealed and unavailable for public view.
All records regarding public energy policy are sealed and unavailable for public review.

For personal references please speak to my daddy, George H.W. Bush, or uncle, James Baker. They can be reached at their offices of the Carlyle Group, a company well known for war-profiteering.

I would encourage you, as fine American citizens, to circulate this resume to as many people as possible. Anything we can do to find this man a job suitable for his qualifications will be appreciated by tens of millions of people.

Posted by tat at December 5, 2003 03:48 PM

You left one out:

I became president after winning the electoral college vote which is how the office holder is selected.

Posted by: Trickhorn at January 11, 2004 02:09 AM

Bush also gave teachers in Texas the raise they were promised by Ann Richards.

Posted by: dhays at January 15, 2004 10:10 PM

I'm not a teacher and I certainly don't live in Texas, but my sister was a teacher for years in Texas and is now a high school counselor there. She thinks the testing programs implemented by Bush are a bogus waste of time and resources, and have done nothing but hurt the education process - by now requiring students to be taught strictly to pass the test instead of well-rounded learning in general.

Any thoughts on this, Bryan?

Posted by: Deb Taranik at January 16, 2004 05:35 PM